Well, here it is. My first ever blog post.. I’ve been thinking of doing this blog thing for a while, but I always seem to have a reason not to do it, so I’ve made some really good excuses. Some of which include, “I don’t have time,” (a classic, am I right). “I’m terrible at typing,” (True, but not a deal breaker). “I don’t have anything to say that anyone wants to read.” The ever classic me, “I don’t want to be basic.” and of course, “No one will read it anyway.”
After months of pondering those excuses on and off, I came to two conclusions. The first conclusion I came to is that often times I spend a lot of my time and energy making myself feel better for not doing things that I want to do simply because I feel inadequate or just don’t quite know how to go about doing them. Secondly I realized this: that I should do the things which I so deeply yearn to do not for anyone except myself and my Jesus, because the opinions of others aren’t nearly as important as I make them out to be in my head. And when you do things you’re truly passionate about, chances are people won’t judge you for them, they’ll love you even more. (It took me a loooong while to figure that out)
There are so many interests that I have but don’t pursue just because of a fear of failure and a fear of not being enough, and so I’ve made it my mission this summer to change my perspective. I have begun to find those things which I most crave and I’ve tried to start not just thinking about doing them, but actually DOING them; I’ve tried to begin to teach myself to live, and to do so fearlessly.
So often I compare myself or simply question my abilities, because I don’t think that I’m as qualified or as capable as those around me. Did I say often? I meant always. I ALWAYS compare myself, day in, day out, relentlessly, to those I see as better, more capable. These past years I’ve allowed fear to handicap me, to rule my decision making and my dreams. I became conditioned to think of myself as ‘second best’, and I’ve let myself stand on the sidelines, both literally and figuratively, because I’m too fearful of failing to allow myself to try.
So here I am, trying. I am letting myself do those dreams which I had so successfully pushed to the side for so long. My goal for this summer, this year, this life, is this: to not be timid towards my life. To push myself to think bigger and be bigger and love bigger; to endlessly strive to live fuller. To be fearless in the face of opposition and fearless again in the mundane. To open myself, unashamed and unshaken, to the beauty and the difficulty of life, embracing it all, and being unafraid of the result, unafraid of being hurt. Because in the presence of my Jesus all will be made well, and that which I face inside His grace will not go unnoticed or unhealed.
So here’s this blog; a first step towards deeper vulnerability and openness, an attempt to live without fear. My hope here is this: that I can show those I love, and maybe even people I’ve never met, that the most valuable thing you possess is the ability to exist, and how dang amazing life truly is when you step away the fear that keeps you from living fully and loving without abandon. I want to show people that vulnerability (real, raw vulnerability) is truly strength, and most importantly I want to share my life and my Jesus with people in a hope that it will touch them and change me.
So be a brave one of the world.
• allison nicole •