Reasons my heart breaks, and my humble understanding of them.

“All has gone to rest. And I don’t know whether I’m alive or will live, or whether I’m rushing like this through the world. For I’m no longer weeping or laughing.”


(Things that hurt)

Two suicide bombers in the Turkish airport. (only three weeks after I was there, I am safe, they, both the bombers and the bombed, are not)

Falling in love with the wrong people. And getting hurt. (and too many times it’s been me who’s done the hurting.)

49 human beings, once breathing this same air and living this same life, dead. Human beings who were considered by many to be less than human because of the decisions they have made based upon their perception of truth and their understanding of life.

Innocents suffering from chronic depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, and somehow managing to continue living without help, because they don’t know who to go to or how to ask for help, and no one gives them enough of a second glance to realize just how precariously they walk through life in order to just keep on their feet.

 



(My feeble, finite understanding)

I think that sometimes people get lucky, like me, and don’t end up with shrapnel in their skull or their children in the hospital in critical condition. But I don’t want to be lucky, I want to be safe; and not just me, everyone. I hate that people can hate so deeply, to kill themselves and to kill those people who so easily could’ve been me.

I think that falling in love is confusing and the world is a whirlwind and things never happen as planned. Heartbreaks are inevitable and the sun itself will crash and burn, but maybe love is worth it. Maybe I should be wiser and maybe you should be less of a fool, but together we’re one little mess in the midst of a world of chaos, and somehow that makes it all a little easier.

I think that it’s inhuman that those kids lost themselves and lost their lives on their search for their own identity, and it’s barbaric that some people thought of those kids as screwed up, just because their understanding of life and of themselves interfered with these people’s understanding of life and their expectation for humanity.

I think my best friend deserves a lot more than she gets and that life is screwing her over under the radar, and I think that all those who can’t quite make themselves comfortable in social situations or wish sometimes on those really dark nights that they just didn’t exist, I think they deserve better too, probably more than most of us.  I think we all ought to do a better job of realizing our best friend’s sister, our co-worker, the boy across the street, they’re all tiptoeing through life, dangerously close to breaking the frayed ties which bind them to us. We owe it to them to at least try to empathize, and if nothing else, to hold them. To hold them and never let go; how bright they burn; how easily it could’ve been us.

(let yourself break. the intimacy of feeling is a small act of fearlessness)

Such love for you,

• allison nicole •

Published by Allison Nicole Art

Oil and Watercolor Painter

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