a summary of the day & why it descibes my life

today: I woke up early after staying up late, I spent too much time making breakfast, I had two cups of coffee, and forgot to put my laundry in the dryer. (I’m packing for a trip to South Carolina, see.) ah yes, the packing. I spent too much time pulling out all the clothes I want (enough for two weeks), and then proceeded to put 85% of it back in my closet because, gosh darn, I’m only packing for 5 days. I forgot to read my bible before I had to leave. I made myself another cup of coffee.

Now, I’m sitting in my room, surrounded by clothes which need to find their temporary new home in my suitcase, listening to Bon Iver and drinking coffee (yes, again). I should be packing. I should be dancing. I should be cleaning the kitchen. oh, but sitting is so nice.

summary: the reason today so accurately describes my life right now is this. I feel caught, stuck in-between. tension. I’m not anywhere yet, but I don’t belong here. I’ve slept sporadically, I’ve had too much coffee, I’ve only halfway applied myself to anything, I’ve loved people till it physically hurts. I’ve waited, and I’m waiting still.

it’s so easy to disregard the halfway points, the liminal state, in between here and the place you crave to be. but honestly, isn’t every moment liminal? life itself always in-between? life doesn’t stop and settle down, and it hardly let’s you stop to breathe.

Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

so often we push; we push for consistency, for structure, for repetition, but somewhere along the way the realization has to occur, the only constant is change. the world is in a state of never-ending flux, and the result is the constant presence of tension. the tension of the old and new; the tension of waiting; the tension of hellos and goodbyes; the tension of need.

but perhaps tension is our greatest teacher. the unpredictability of being stuck in-between shapes a soul more than climbing a mountain or going to college. and we can take comfort in the consistency of inconsistency, the constance of change, the never-ending movement from one moment to the next. because in the presence of stillness, in structure, in sameness, there is apathy. change saves us from the monster of the mundane.

so maybe waiting isn’t all that bad; maybe life is surmised of all the moments you waited and didn’t rush. maybe change is actually what keeps me alive. maybe the liminal state of life means I will always be pulled, there will always be tension, and from tension I will learn. and maybe coffee, Jesus, and my best friend are the only things which are keeping me on my feet, but I know this: change is inevitable, so I won’t feel that way forever, and that’s okay too.

• allison nicole •